LAX Players Didn't Rape Stripper

Now we can get back to the real story:

New IPCC Report

AP (BRUSSELS) -
The newest IPCC report reflects the scientific consensus that there will be significant global warming over the next four months. According to the IPCC panel, the warming can only be reversed by turning the United States into a socialist police state. The good news is that if we start now, we can completely reverse the warming by October.

Al Gore was available for comment:

This is within our reach. With innovative, centralized thinking, we have the opportunity, and the moral duty, to reduce global warming by October of this year. It just takes sacrifice.